I'm starting a Seventies revival.

Since last Wednesday, I've been listening to all my old 70's vinyl, including the Kinks, Bowie, the Beatles, Joy Division and of course, Hot Chocolate.

I bought a box set of The Sweeney to steep myself in the vernacular of that decadent decade, and I'm seriously considering growing a bad-ass moustache in an effort to resemble Robert Loggia in Scarface, though I suspect it will give me more an air of Michael Fish.

Loggia

Fish

I'm going shopping tomorrow to get some loud print shirts with collars so big, they'll still have snow on 'em in the summertime.

You heard it here first, folks. The Seventies are back!

I've been re-reading the Mr Men books. Brilliant, naturally, but I now feel that Roger Hargreaves was a bit of a fascist.

At the end of Mr Greedy are the words:

"And do you know something else as well? Mr Greedy doesn't look like he used to any more.

He now looks like this, [picture of a thin Mr Greedy] which I think suits him a lot better, don't you?"

Now, what sort of lesson is that for our children? Deny your desires, subvert your own true nature and conform to a socially acceptable idea of normality?

Roger Hargreaves is a fattist.

"Kev finds bisuit shaped like Millennium Falcon, but eats it before he can show it to anyone."

In shock snack news today, Kev found a Bewley's Fruit and Lemon biscuit that looked 'exactly like the Millennium Falcon'. The biscuit, which came in a pack of two, was a basic circular shape, but had two frontal protuberances, lending it an air of the famous Star Wars vehicle.

There was also a raisin on top that reminded Kev of the radar dish on the much-loved spaceship. "It looked exactly like the Millennium Falcon", commented Kev, "except it was brown and had none of the detail of the original Falcon."

Kev later explained that the biscuit lost some of its shape after he dunked it into his tea.

When asked to produce the biscuit for analysis and photographing, he seemed reticent at first, then admitted that he had eaten it.

"But it was exactly like the Millennium Falcon", he furthered.

I've got some mustard in my fridge that is out of date. If I travel back in time to last year when it was still in date and bring the mustard with me, can I use it again?

What if I brought the mustard with me but used up the jar that was in my fridge a year ago, would I still be able to use the old mustard? What about cheese? Do the same rules apply?

There have been scurrilous rumours in the gutter press recently that the Universe is flat, and not curved as Einstein believed.

If this were true, it would mean that the shortest distance between two points in space IS a straight line, and any local curvature we observe in space is simply caused by God not pressing the air bubbles out correctly.

It ALSO means that an object travelling far enough in a straight line will not eventually come back to its origin.

The Mirror would have us believe that the Cosmos will stop expanding and remain a static size for eternity, as there is not enough matter for it to collapse, yet too much matter to cause infinite expansion.

This is utter hogwash, and they have obviously touched up the photographic evidence.

For if the Universe stopped expanding at light speed, then photons, themselves travelling in straight lines at light speed, would fly out of it (as it is flat, so they claim) and the total energy would diminish, breaking the law of conservation of energy, and cause the Universe to begin expanding again.

The News of the World would have us believe that photons are an unproven hypothesis of Einstein, Rosen and Podolsky and that the evidence points to the wave nature of light, as demonstrated by the ERP experiments. They accompanied this with a pic of Cat Deeley, locked up in a box, in a state of uncertainty.

Isn't it typical of the tabloid press to use Einstein's own theories against him, will they ever leave the man in peace?

Reports in the Sun seem to support Fred Hoyle's model of a steady-state Universe, where expansion and contraction are impossible. At the Currant Bun, redshift means a swing in popularity towards Ken Livingstone.

But Hawking disproved Hoyle's model years ago, proving that the calculations of the mathematical model (the tensor array) of such a Universe would be convergent and that the process of renormalisation was simply Hoyle diverting attention away from the fact that it was his turn to get the drinks in.

A glimmer of hope came from the Star, an organ that staunchly supports the Big Bang theory. Or Monster Romp as they call it. This is exactly what we expect from Ireland's Brightest Daily - exposing the old Newtonians and throwing light on the idea of a closed, curved fabric of space-time.

Let us all rally behind the Star's latest crusade and make it clear that we demand a globally accepted Einsteinian model of curved space in the context of the general Theory of Relativity, from the motion of the galaxies themselves and yea unto the realm of the quark and the lepton.

What do we want?
Curved Space!

When do we want it?
In our subjective time frames!