Laughter:

A woman asked her husband to buy some organic vegetables. He went to the supermarket, but couldn't find any on the shelves. So he asked a shelf monkey: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"

The monkey said: "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

I like jam donuts, but can't seem to eat one without jam spilling out onto my shirt. My solutions to this problem so far have been:

a) Don't eat jam donuts or
b) Don't wear a shirt

but as I am partial to both of these things, I was wondering if any donut-eating, shirt-wearing gurus could provide me with enlightenment.

Terry: "He may be in the gutter, but he's looking at the drains"

East-end wideboy: "Shouldn't that be stars?"

Terry: Ha ha ha.

Ahh, Minder. Like The Sweeney with a soul, or Delboy without Buster Merryfield.

Do It Yourself

Shouting at the grouting
When I did it myself
Tribulations and trials
With ceramic tiles
And a hand that I can't unglue.

Fighting with the lighting
When I did it myself
Snags and hitches
With dimmer switches
And a bulb that I can't unscrew.

Griping at the piping
When I did it myself
Words unbecoming
With copper plumbing
And some fittings I can't construe.

Flagging from the lagging
When I did it myself
Trouble and strife
With a stanley knife
And foam that I can't cut through.

Yelling at the Belling
When I did it myself
Plaintive sobs
With electric hobs
And I can't find a cure for the flue.

Disaster with the plaster
When I did it myself
Traps and pitfalls
With interior walls
And I still can't find that shoe.