Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The Lincoln / Kennedy Coincidences

You've heard of both Abraham Lincoln and John Kennedy, and you probably did some research into both great men by watching Quantum Leap, Kevin Costner films and that episode of Star Trek in which Abe appears to be running some alien planet.

But did you know that both ex-Presidents are linked by remarkable coincidences? You won't believe your eyes when you read these!

1. Both men were born in America and both became President of the USA, before being assassinated.

2. Kennedy has a peanut butter spread named after him. Lincoln is renowned for his endorsement of Lincoln biscuits.

3. Lincoln famously sported a beard; Kennedy was a big fan of ZZ Top, a rock band that has a drummer called Frank Beard (who ironically does not have a beard).

4. Kennedy comes from the Gaelic name Ceannéidigh, meaning Ugly Head. And Abe was no oil painting either.

5. Lincoln was a patron of the theatre, while Kennedy liked to have orgies with coked-up movie stars like Marilyn Monroe.

6. Peter Green, guitarist and founder of Fleetwood Mac, was locked away and given electroconvulsive therapy for schizophrenia. Lyndsey Buckingham, sometime guitarist and singer for the Mac, was also reported to be "undergoing mental problems".

7. King Umberto I of Italy was assassinated on July 29th, 1900. The previous day, he had eaten in a restuarant owned by a man who was also named Umberto, who was also shot dead on 29 July 1900. Both men had wives named Margherita, and both had been drinking Margaritas (with salt) earlier that day.

8. Neither Lincoln or Kennedy were aware of facts 6 and 7 above, Lincoln being dead at the time and Kennedy being too busy lining up his next drug-addled starlet for a "tour" of the Oval Office.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Money more important than God, sex and beer - fact!

OK, I'll be the first to admit that I can't really back up that claim. The full extent of my research was to put the four terms "money", "God", "sex" and "beer" into Google and count the hits.

Results are shown below:

God 458,000,000
Sex 726,000,000
Beer 158,000,000
Money 1,340,000,000



A poor showing for beer, there.

The search page used was Google.ie... I wonder what results would arise from using the generic Google.com, but I'll leave that up to future researchers who wish to carry on my work.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Two great musical videos:

Stand-up Rob Paravonian doing his famous rant about Pachelbel's Canon in D Major

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdxkVQy7QLM

... and if that's a little high brow for you, Manamana by the Muppets:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guuWFRBUIyY

Wait for the frog's face right at the end... nice!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Furniture section in Woodies.

Me: "What kind of wood is that mirror made from?"

Monkey: "Brown."

Monday, January 26, 2009

Laughter:

A woman asked her husband to buy some organic vegetables. He went to the supermarket, but couldn't find any on the shelves. So he asked a shelf monkey: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"

The monkey said: "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

Friday, January 23, 2009

I like jam donuts, but can't seem to eat one without jam spilling out onto my shirt. My solutions to this problem so far have been:

a) Don't eat jam donuts or
b) Don't wear a shirt

but as I am partial to both of these things, I was wondering if any donut-eating, shirt-wearing gurus could provide me with enlightenment.
Terry: "He may be in the gutter, but he's looking at the drains"

East-end wideboy: "Shouldn't that be stars?"

Terry: Ha ha ha.

Ahh, Minder. Like The Sweeney with a soul, or Delboy without Buster Merryfield.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Do It Yourself

Shouting at the grouting
When I did it myself
Tribulations and trials
With ceramic tiles
And a hand that I can't unglue.

Fighting with the lighting
When I did it myself
Snags and hitches
With dimmer switches
And a bulb that I can't unscrew.

Griping at the piping
When I did it myself
Words unbecoming
With copper plumbing
And some fittings I can't construe.

Flagging from the lagging
When I did it myself
Trouble and strife
With a stanley knife
And foam that I can't cut through.

Yelling at the Belling
When I did it myself
Plaintive sobs
With electric hobs
And I can't find a cure for the flue.

Disaster with the plaster
When I did it myself
Traps and pitfalls
With interior walls
And I still can't find that shoe.